My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
