i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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