Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we made out on top of his cat.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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