He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
