he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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