apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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