Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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