I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
