Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
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