Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
