Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I have tasted many bathrooms
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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