You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
