You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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