I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the day after is always just damage control
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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