i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
