The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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