ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Mom said you looked used
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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