I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
