I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
