I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize