the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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