I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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