i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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