Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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