dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize