Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
i believe in u and ur pee
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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