Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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