Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
