Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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