The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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