The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
