the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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