You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize