Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
