it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
