she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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