dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
