you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
