I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
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