life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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