There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
