your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
