I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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