We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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