dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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