If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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