This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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