apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
