I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
