Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize