I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
