whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
