Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
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