I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Randomize